Ramblings of a Former Madman

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How to manage having two lovers

Managing Two Lovers

Be honest.

If you’re in a relationship with The Stranger, and have a significant other in your life as well, you friend, have two lovers.

You’re an adulterous, cheating, home-wrecker. You also have a problem. One big, hairy-ass, smelly problem (BHASP).

Until you resolve it, here are some things that have worked (sometimes) for me in the past to manage my BHASP. Warning: This is not kid stuff. If you are already going down the “Two Lovers at the Same Time” road, this isn’t Kansas anymore, Dorothy. You are playing with the big boys now. These tips may help you survive it.

They will not protect you from periodic sucker punches or the occasional unexpected kick in the nuts, lawsuits, imprisonment or divorce. These are not guarantees, so don’t sue me. Aren’t WE the ones who were stupid enough to be in love with two beings at the same time? So, in all honesty boys and girls, a better title for this is:

Survival & Coping Skills For Morons

Two men playing tennis on top of a flying biplane
“Historically, morons have needed all the help they can get. “

1. Set-aside and schedule quality time for both of them, separately (obviously). No lover is going to settle for a relationship that doesn’t allow you to have time for their needs and pleasures. Set a fixed schedule, allotting time for each lover. Stick to it! A significant other will tolerate your adulterous relationship with The Stranger a lot longer. Give them some regular “me” time, while simultaneously promising ardently to leave The Stranger. Milk that “He still loves me,” cow til it’s dry! (And it will go dry.)

2. Always schedule time committed to your significant other before The Stranger time. You’re not talking to a novice here. I earned my coffin in the “Morgue of the Drunkards.” Pony up here, boys and girls. The Stranger is one selfish, self-centered bitch. They never want to let you go. But if we are going to be brutally honest here, The Stranger is a better lover. Once you get a taste of their wares and gorge yourself on their forbidden fruits, you won’t want to leave them either. So remember: “SOFA.” (Significant Other First, Asshole).

3. Plan on going strategically placed, long periods of time without seeing The Stranger. Use whatever tools work for you: 12-Step programs, counseling, cold-turkey, an accountability promise to a friend, tapering down to nothing, etc. Name it and claim it, folks. This will buy future mercy from your significant other, and you know you’re going to need it. It’s money in the bank in your “Future Withdrawal” account.

4. Choose a major vacation/holiday period to coincide with your “Sober-Stretch.” Honesty time again, Mouseketeers. You have screwed up so many Holidays, in spite of heartfelt, teary eyed promises, your significant other wants to throw up in your face. It’s time for show, don’t tell! Remember this: Each point of sobriety earned during the holidays, counts for TWO withdrawal points! You will need those extra withdrawal points when you inevitably relapse, most likely in later holidays. As your addiction progresses, things you never imagined could actually happen, will. From telling your mother-in-law she’s a hag faced bitch, pissing your pants while laughing at your own joke at a party, or shitting your bed while comatosely drunk at your in-laws house. You’ll need a LOT of withdrawal points for that one.

5. Make your relapses count! Put your all into your Sober-Stretches. Build up those hopes and expectations. When you crash and take that inevitable first drink, don’t forget to immediately find someone else to blame. Ideally, you’ll have done this and written it down before you relapse. You won’t have to think on-the-fly while drunk then. Make it up if you have to. Some tried and true relapse-initiating bastards are: A slave driving boss, a physical injury or illness (get creative), or that ignorant relative of theirs who kept pushing drinks on you at the party. Just find somebody to blame it on. Just as your disease progresses, so will the severity and cruelty of the relapse-initiator have to escalate and grow in drama. Accidents work well.


Historically, morons have needed all the help they can get. #advice Click To Tweet


Here’s a FREE-BONUS, a personal golden gem, just for my readers: I drove my car into a neighbor’s mailbox, taking it out, and the little flower garden box on top of it, to “Avoid hitting the little dog.” I was so upset, I needed a drink to calm me down. This way, sure I relapsed, but I did it with honorable intentions

There you have it. Five tips on managing your two lovers. I know these sound a tad manipulative, but, we both know we’re manipulative assholes by now, anyway. Delay-stall, delay-stall,…If you don’t, you’re God-given right to continue drinking will be ripped away from you, like the nuts on a castrated Bull. That’s scarier than the castration itself.

Friends: Respond back with thoughts, and ideas that have worked for you! We’ll compile a master list. It’s about time something useful and practical was published, to help the alcoholic! Here’s my Facebook page and my Twitter. Get crackin’.

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Ramblings of a Former Madman

Join my mailing list for satirical musings, gripping stories, indelicate but often hilarious commentary, and (questionable) life advice.

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