Ramblings of a Former Madman

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What’s at the end of your rainbow?

Let’s take a moment and reflect back upon all the cheer St. Patrick’s Day has brought us each over the years! It’s truly an enchanted day, leprechauns, lucky charms, shamrocks, green apparel, pots of gold, rainbows, and gallons of green beer. It’s quite a day!

Everyone knows when you reach the end of the rainbow, the classic result for your effort is a pot of gold. But maybe a pot o’ gold isn’t your flavor; what’s at the end of your rainbow?

Let’s get some insight.



We need a quick quiz. It’s important because it greatly helps us figure out your destiny at the end of the rainbow journey. Now be honest little leprechauns… it is St. Patrick’s Day. He must have been a holy man if they made him a Saint!



Continued to drink even when it caused tension with family and friends?

Skipped out on one or more activities you enjoy so that you could drink?

Had to drink more than you once did to get the same effects?

Tried at least once to cut back or stop drinking, but weren’t successful?

Felt a desire, need or craving to drink? 


If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, you most likely have a “drinking disorder”, very frequently a gateway indicator for alcoholism.

If you answered no to all of them but knew it wasn’t the truth in your heart, you are most likely one, but you’re just in denial.

It’s normal for alcoholics. We need to lie to everybody, especially ourselves as long as humanly possible. It protects our God-given right to drink, which is a necessity like oxygen itself. Just keep drinking. Your time will come.

Eventually, you’ll be honest with yourself. I just hope it’s not too late for you, as it was for me, and the vast majority of alcoholics. A hell of a lot more alcoholics never recover than those who do. Recovery is rare.



Who doesn’t love Crème de Menthe, food coloring and hops?

You lucky bastard!

We drunks have had more fun than anyone in the “Normie” crowd. They know jack-shit about Crème de Menthe shots chased down with green beers, grabbing people at the party in totally inappropriate places and telling them it was a leprechaun, letting your boss know if his bald head was green he’d look like a giant Irish dildo, puking green liquid out of your mouth and nose, and shitting green for three days. That was so much damn fun! (Luckily, my boss was a drunk, and I think he had a blackout. I was sure that was going to bite me in the ass).

The booze has been magically delicious!



Your rainbow sucks.

For starters, it a lot shorter than everybody else’s. Worse, there’s no Pot o’ Gold at the end of it, my friend. But you do have a best friend who loves St. Patrick’s Day… The Stranger. Unfortunately, He has a nasty plan for you. It’s in motion right now.

He’s going to murder you after He rapes you of all of your dignity, self-respect, and honor.

Oh, and gets you alone. All alone.

The worst part is, He makes you think it’s a pot of gold until it’s too late.

By the time you figure out it’s not Gold you’re seeing at the end of your rainbow, you have lost the power of choice with regards to alcohol.

“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.”


There’s a casket at the end of your rainbow- yours. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and fatal disease.

Well, take heart. If it’s an Irish funeral, there’ll be more drinking done than on St. Patrick’s Day. Not by you though. (If there’s any money left to bury you with.)

Many alcoholics get cremated or placed in unmarked shallow graves. It costs money to buy a casket and bury somebody these days. Anyway, what’s the point in living if there’s no money to buy booze?

Maybe somebody will find an old Jack Daniels shipping crate to toss you in. Well, this shitty day isn’t sounding so damn lucky. Feel like choking a leprechaun?  They are annoying little bastards.

Just look at their smug faces.


What should you do? Easy! Stop drinking.

Oh shit, you’re an alcoholic… You can’t.

Make yourself not an alcoholic!

Shit, you can’t. It’s irreversible and genetically encoded. Pickles can’t ever become a cucumber again. See somebody: a magician, psychic healer. Hell, your wife’s a nurse.

“That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.”


Damn it. You’re beyond the aid of human power. 

You need to ask yourself but one short question. “Am I even willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself?”



There is no human power that can overcome alcoholism and it’s the absolute truth. I would know, I had to literally die to find this out. I have a book coming out in April, I Almost Murdered A Complete Stranger where you can live (and die) vicariously through my horrendous experiences.

If you want a sneak peak of the first few chapters, you can download a PDF of them here!

Ramblings of a Former Madman

Join my mailing list for satirical musings, gripping stories, indelicate but often hilarious commentary, and (questionable) life advice.

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