How to Fuck up your Holidays: Wisdom of the Ages

Earlier this week we learned without question, the wisest thing to do this holiday season is enjoy yourself and start drinking. Implicit with this decision is that you’ll be fucking up your family’s holidays which may ruin yours.

WISDOM OF THE AGES

I’ve sagely bundled these tips to “Maximize your Enjoyment” (ME Tip) and mitigate the damage with,“Fuck your family’s Compensatory Measures” (FUC’M Tips). We’re not a selfish lot; each tip has something for you and something to minimize their pain (and yours).

This makes you compassionate as well as smart! And drunk.

These tips are from years of personal experience, along with the anonymously shared insight of hundreds. Centuries of wisdom are within. Why, I had to quite literally, drink myself to death to acquire mine.

You’re welcome.

SURVIVAL TIPS FOR HOLIDAY BOOZERS

I’ve listed these in order of The Stranger’s hold on you from least to most severe. If you’re a newbie, experiment with only the first couple tips. If you’ve been around the recovery block a few times, you’re a sad-sack from numerous beatings of past holiday cheer and will require the latter advice to eke any pleasure. 

NEWBIE LEVEL

ME Tip #1 All the Drunkenness Without the Guilt

Nuke the inevitable guilt-trip bullshit before it happens. There will be a flood of disapproving comments headed your way regarding “outrageous behavior” and unmerited guilt blocks our ability to experience joy. How selfish of your family to thwart your fun with mind-fucking!

Repeat this mantra first thing in the morning, silently throughout the day, and in lieu of bedtime prayers until it flows naturally from your being:

“I deserve to enjoy the holidays as much as anyone. Guilt is a poison. I forbid others to excrete their toxins on me and wipe their ass with my apologies.”

This is powerful stuff, boys and girls. Life changing.

Remember this ageless quote: “The guiltless have no fear.”

(I made that up, but the sentiment’s valid.)

FUC’M Tip #1 Reverse the Charges

Tell no one of your “Bye to Guilt” journey. Your non-reaction to family’s guilt droppings will likely make them question their motives, often making them feel guilty. Pile in on that with gusto when detected. 

ME Tip #2 No Promises

When your significant other pleads, “Slow down and pace yourself, just for the holidays?” respond with:

“I’ll do the best I can, but it’s Christmas! No guarantees.”

Now when you get drunk as a sot the next four weeks, you can say, “But it was Christmas honey. I tried.”

FUC’M Tip # 2 Perception is Reality

Drink Vodka; every alcoholic knows you can’t smell it on your breath. Supplement with candy canes or peppermints as needed.

ME Tip #3 Harness the Magic of Distillation

Don’t stick to wine and beer this season, candyass.

Vino and Suds won’t take you to Toyland, Mystical Girl and Boy Land. Beer is 4.5% alcohol, wine 11.6% but distilled spirits weigh in at 37% plus. Barely fermented fruit juice and barley is for folks who want to arrive in second place.

AVERAGE LEVEL

ME Tip #4 “I Prefer it Dry, Honey”

Carry a flask at all times. For sustained enjoyment, you’ll need to maintain an elevated BAC. Weaning from the booze tit is painful but with a stealthy flask you’ll appear as though you’re really trying, you sneaky drunk. You won’t be rushing family away from booze-free occasions towards the next drunkard event.

FUC’M Tip #4 Don’t Reveal, Conceal

If caught with aforementioned flask, family tempers will flare with ceaseless, “I’m so disappointed in you” buzz-kills.

Not to worry! There are incredibly discreet flasks now. They strap to your legs, some look like phones, and one that’s a big hollow candy cane. You’ll be the jolliest chap jaunting around with that! Hell, there’s even flasks designed to tuck stealthily in your underwear. Leak check before use.

For Men Only Bonus: Make damn sure to place in the front of your drawers which will provide the illusion of sporting an admirable package. DO NOT install in the rear; you’ll look like you shit your pants which will happen later.

ADVANCED UBER-ENJOYMENT LEVEL

ME Tip #5 Be the First to Congratulate 

At every celebration, be the first to toast someone. Anyone will do: the Host, their dog, whoever made the delicious eggnog, your significant other. This makes you look thoughtful, engaged and damn sociable! More importantly, it signals the universal subliminal messages of “Open Bar” and “Let the Festivities Begin”, igniting the party’s drinking spirits.

UBER-ME Tip #5 Bonus: Continue to toast every hour or so. Ensure your glass is full beforehand, suck it down, grab someone else’s glass, raise it in the air, then finish it off. This shows your exuberance towards celebrating somebody other than yourself. It’s not excessive if it’s a toast!

FUC’M Tip #5

…should not be necessary. It’s a toast, you’re supposed to drink.

Guilt boomerang: If accused of going overboard respond with the following:

“Gosh, I guess I’m just more thankful than you, honey. Did you even taste the eggnog? It was incredible! Donna must have put a lot of thought into that.”

ME Tip # 6.  Join the MADD Team

Pretend to be responsible! Do not drink and drive under any conditions. Take anyone’s (particularly your significant other’s) offer to drive without hesitation. This will show your concern, even drunk, for the safety of others.

The payoff: Drink while they drive. Periodically express your gratitude between sips.

FUC’M Tip # 6 Check Mate

Absolutely none required, you have the moral high ground here. Walk home if you have to. Who cares? Bring a drink!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS FOR FULLY COMMITTED, DEATH IMMINENT END-STAGE ALCOHOLICS. 

ME Tip # 7 Put your Id in The Driver’s Seat

Satiate all of your hedonistic desires this season. Indulge in forbidden pleasures. Have a sexual Fling; you already know members of the opposite sex find you irresistibly sexy when you’re drunk. You’re a magnet! Let it happen. 

Express yourself! Tell your boss he’s a puckered asshole right to his face then stroll away. Tell your brother-in-law he’s the biggest, most nutless douche you know then walk off. Tell your wife, “By the way your ass does look fat in those jeans!” then run.

FUC’M Tip #7 End Game

I’m impressed.

If you’ve graduated to fully committed alcoholism, the consequences are indeed severe. Prepare for job loss, divorce, STD’s, anything. There are no mitigating compensatory measures.

But you’re still drunk, aren’t you?

I hope you’ve enjoyed this two-part series about my thoughts on the holiday season. If you need a refresher on the decisions that await this Yuletide, read the first part here. I’d love to hear your own bits of wisdom on Facebook or Twitter.